Christmas Holidays

Well a little "r & r" for the holidays is never a bad thing.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah and seasons greetings to all. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Peace from Pace, Robear and Baby V!

The Biopsy and Christmas Parties

Pace got her biopsy on the 23rd and then got on a train with the wee one to come home for my family's Christmas gathering. She didn't want to spend the Christmas party talking about her cancer and so I relayed her wishes to my brothers and sisters.

I didn't think to tell them not to hug her too hard. That was a painful oversight.

The hospital performed 2 "punch" biopsies of the tumor to grab enough cells to grow a culture, think of a straw with a claw on the end. Then they did a needle biopsy on the left breast to see if there are precancerous growths there or not.

The results of the culture should be ready for the 5th. I don't know if we have access to them at that time or not. So for now we'll spend time over the holidays with family and friends.

The 2nd opinion

There's a line in The Matrix (movie) where the Oracle say "I hate giving good people bad news but..." I wish this was a movie.

Pace got her second opinion today and the good news is she likes the doctor and he has a great relationship with one of the best oncologists at Sunnybrook. He wants to see her have her chemo and radio therapy in T.O. as Sunnybrook is now considered the best in the land.

Then the other shoe drops. He looked at her breast MRIs and is concerned. The cancer is aggressive, it's spreading and we're facing an emergency. However until we get the results of the biopsy they can't start the chemo.

Wish I could say that's all but it's not. The original doc did not order a check of Pace's liver, intestines and stomach to see if cancer had spread there. And the hits just keep on coming. It's possible that there are two other lesions in her right beast. I'm not sure if these are the odd shape of the tumor of something new. It's hard to know the questions to ask when learning this new vocabulary.

All I can do is be there for Pace when she needs me.

Getting back on track

Well the shock and anger from Wednesday’s appointment has calmed and we're working on a multi-threaded plan with the goal of getting Pace the best care possible as soon as possible and getting her back home, in the near term, to relax and get treatment.

1. Pace is getting her biopsy on Dec 22nd and they'll grow the culture over the holidays. It should be ready the first week of January. We've asked for the slide numbers so the biopsy results can be transferred easily from lab to any hospital in QC or ON.
2. We're getting copies of all documents, tests, MRI's and x-rays into a binder we can keep with us for when Pascale finally gets things transferred to Toronto.
3. Pace has been able to get in on Wed Dec 21st to see the oncologist that's treating her aunt. Hopefully we can get the chemotherapy side of things accelerated through him.
4. We're looking for referrals to good oncology docs (surgeons, radiologists and chemo) in Toronto through the family and friends network. The hope is to get her into Princess Margaret/Mount Sinai. If you know of anyone please let us know!

We've got a serious blizzard happening in Montreal today so we'll be taking the suburban train into the city for the doctor's appointment. The radio reports roads as treacherous and impassible in places. Gotta love winter...

a slow motion train wreck

Today we expected to get the results of the tests and understand our options for surgery and chemotherapy. That was not what happened.

The doctor immediately recommended a radical mastectomy because we didn't have biopsy results that would recommend a chemotherapy treatment. We thought he'd consider chemotherapy first, which can reduce the size of the tumor before surgery. However without the biopsy he wouldn't/couldn't follow that course of treatment right now.

The short story is that the doctor never ordered a biopsy of the tumor so that the lab could grow the cancer cells and determine Pace's chemotherapy options. Because the Breast MRI has reveled two suspect areas, we'll have to get a biopsy of the left breast before any surgery on one or both breasts anyways.

This development causes the schedule to slip by 2 to 4 weeks.

Due to this oversight and a bedside manner that leaves much to be desired, Pace has asked for a second opinion and I completely support her in her decision to see another doctor.

The good news is that the cancer seems confined to the breast right now, her bones, brain and blood are cancer free.

More tests and new pain for Pace

We couldn't get all of the tests done on Friday because a clerk balked at processing Pace's radiology requests. She is not a Quebec resident, period. It didn't matter that we had the inter-provincial health claim form from the hospitals accounts payable department.

It took nurses from the ambulatory clinic to came over to her and say it was authorized. The clerk had never heard of it before and there was no way she was going to let someone have a free ride on her watch. As a result we missed the window to get the lung x-ray completed.

So back we went to the hospital today. Another half day lost for 20 minutes of tests.

They've now scheduled an EEG for Wed. morning at 8:00. It's early but people have been moving mountains to help Pace get treated.

Later Wednesday morning (Dec. 15th)we meet with the oncology surgeon. After that meeting we should know where we really stand and what Pace's options. I'm glad we're getting to that stage but the area around her tumor is starting to hurt...

Whew!

The doctors at Mt. Sinai reviewed everything. The MRI photos showed no cancerous masses nor anomalies in the brain to be concerned about. That's the good news. Then again we really don't know the reason for the mini-stroke

Bottom line is they feel the epsoide was probably a TIA but then again it could be "Neurological Event."

Either way it should not hold up the yet to be scheduled operation.

Tomorrow's a big day

We get the news from the neurosurgeons and the ambulatory clinic.

We're not sure if we want them to find something or not. Most importantly we don't want to find out the Breast Cancer has spread to her brain, nor that the mini-stroke caused any brain damage.

Whatever it is we'll be better informed to get through this battle.

The Breast MRI

Pace got to Montreal yesterday and got the Breast MRI done.

First they put in a catheter and then add a liquid that shows the cancer better in the images. She said her arm got cold as the liquid flowed from the catheter into the veins and that it left an aftertaste. Then you lie down on a platform with two cut outs where the breasts go and then you get inserted into the machine for 20 minutes of imaging

Following the MRI the staff keeps you there for a half hour to make sure you have no allergic reaction.

The Elephant in the Living Room

Why is the truth often the hardest thing to talk about.

We're wired. There's so much going on and keeping an even keel is difficult at best. Near torture at other times. We're both ignoring the spectre of death that is now so much closer than we wnat to think.

Pace is scared of how fast the tumor is growing and is afraid to talk about her possible death. I'm worried that talking about my feelings of her potential death is not providing the support she needs right now.

It's a topic we have to cover soon. Especially as we're updating our wills before the operation.

* Photo by JRAWLS

Call me Kent!

Wether I like it or not I have to be a Superman to Pace and the wee one as we live through this.

I wish I still had the curl in the center of my hairline.

The Cerebral MRI

Pace and I were back down at Mount Sinai, and after a brief wait she was whisked into the clinic for 20 minutes of claustrophobia and magnetic resonance imaging. The technicians won't tell you anything, "You'll have to speak to your doctor." That's what they say.

The Medical Schedule

Pace's spirits are well and we are getting all the tests lined up. The next couple of weeks will spent getting imaged, tested and examined in Toronto and Montreal. This is a great country!

Nov. 25th: Cerebral MRI in Toronto
Dec. 5th: Breast MRI in Montreal
Dec. 8th: Consultation with Toronto Neurological team
Dec. 9th: Pre-admission tests in Montreal
Dec 14th: Consultation with Cancer Surgeon in Montreal to schedule surgery and chemotherapy
Dec 15th to mid January, the proposed window for surgery

The first cancer prognosis

I made my way to Montreal to be with Pace during her first visit with the cancer surgeon.

The biopsy has come back positive for cancer. Its ductal carcinoma, invasive, aggressive and about 2 cm across. It's currently a stage 2 cancer they think.

That means its cancer of the milk ducts, it's broken out of the milk ducts and into the surrounding tissue, it's growing fast but so far seems confined to thee breast.

Excuse me Doctor, what did that mean exactly?

Pace talked with the Doctors at the ambulatory clinic today as she was getting tests done on determining the source of her TIA. She told them about the Breast Cancer Diagnosis and they replied;

"You have to keep your Cerebral MRI appointment, the TIA could have been caused by Breast Cancer in your brain."
"So it's spread to my brain?"
"We won't know till after the MRI, but it is a possibility."

There's no way to describe my state but numb.

More bad news, but on the good side... I get more time to help Pace heal

I went to the hospital this morning to see my Mom. She was sleeping and I've never seen her look so frail. I sat beside her and prayed for about a half hour and then went back to work

I had been back about an hour when our President called an all hands meeting. He told us about the company's financial problems. We all knew about them but I figured we still had some liquidity. Turns out we didn't. The Prez addressed us and did a clockwise tour of the table telling 15 of the 19 of us that we were to be "temporarily" laid off. It was a mighty sad moment. I felt like I'd just been through Survivor's "tribal council."

I got a Strongbow at the pub downstairs. Then went home to tell Pace.

Pace took the news of being the company closing down pretty well; while settlements are still forthcoming, we have a bigger fish to fry. I'm glad I took my Dad's advice to keep 3 months of expenses in a readily accessible financial product.

Except that if that chemotherapy usually lasts 3 to 6 months.

I just can't let my mind start working through the possible scenarios and outcomes.

More bad news, this time it's Mom.

Pace and I were walking around the house talking about the ambulatory clinic schedule and the doctor's prognosis when my cell phone rang.

"Bob, call me when you get home." Says Dad.
"What's up dad?"
"I just want to be sure you're all in safely. Call me tonight o.k."
"O.K."

About 8 hours later we were back in Toronto and I was spent from 6 hours of driving. I called my Dad right away."

Dad pretty much dispensed with the pleasantries and told me my mother had suffered a serious heart attack on Saturday. He told me she was at St. Joes but weak. I told him I'd check on her during my lunch as the Agency I work at was close to the hospital.

"What next?" I thought and immediately told myself to shut up and stop attracting trouble.

The Remembrance Day I’d rather forget

I was driving to Montreal to pick up my wife and daughter from the in-laws when Pace called.
She told me she'd been at the Hospital and saw the surgeon who performed a biopsy on the lump in her breast. Just from his examination and 40 years of experience he was over 90% sure it was not a cyst but Breast Cancer. She was composed, per usual, but shocked and rocked.

Even though I pulled the car over, loaded up the CD player with my 6 favorite CDs, played them loud and sang along loud all the way to Montreal. My voice was ragged when I got there but I'd been partially able to drown out the voices in my head, the ones playing out all the worst case scenarios. Still, that was the longest drive of my life.

When I saw Pace tonight I gave her a kiss and let her cry on my shoulder and stayed strong.

Sideswiped on a Wednesday night

Tonight I finished up my last class at the University for this term and most of the class went out for a celebratory drink. It was a great night and I was in a great mood.

I got home and called Pace to say good-night, before she hung up she started to say something and then said forget it. I knew something was up and it sure didn't have the tone saying "I'm pregnant!"

I figured it was bad news about her friend Helen's condition.
"What's up?" I asked
"I've got a lump in my breast."
She said it was totally different than anything she'd ever felt before.

Pace's Mom recovered from Breast Cancer 3 years ago so I told Pace to talk to her Mom and get her advice. Still, her mom was 54, Pace is only 41.

I'm feeling totally sideswiped and I slept maybe 3 hours last night. She's too young for this!

TIA - Transient Ischemic Attack

The doctors said Pace could have had a transient ischemic attack (TIA). A TIA is a type of "minor" stroke that lasts only a few minutes. And while Pace has many of the symptoms, she's outside the usual clinical age range for this.

• If you have a TIA there is 33% chance to never have another one
• Another 33% chance you will have them repeatedly
• The last 33% chance is that the TIA is an indicator of an impending full blown stroke

A God fearing interuption

The last three days have thrown my life upside down. Here's how it started...

We moved into our new home a week ago and the place was already 90% together. Pace, like most women I know, doesn't like the look of a box filled bachelor pad. So we'd been working hard to whip the place into "home." Pace's Mom, France, had come down to give us a hand. Seeing as she reorganizes our place every time she comes for a visit anyways; I figure why not let her get it right the first time we do it!

It was going on 7:30 in the evening and we had not eaten since lunch. I'd made and served a pasta chicken pesto. It was getting cold and I was having trouble trying to corral Pace, the wee one and France to the table. It's funny how I remember it was rotini.

"Pace! What are you doing?" I called.
"I coming" she says.

A couple of minutes pass and I call again.
"Pace! What are you doing?"
As she comes around the corner, she started falling and the grabbed the door frame for support. She would have gone straight to the floor.

"Babe? You O.K?" feeling my stomach start to knot.
"I don't feel well" she replied and started to cry.
"Sit down sweets, maybe your blood sugar is down."

France was asking Pace what was wrong as she sat down and I got a glass of orange juice.
The juice didn't help.

Then she said started to look anxious and stammered out."Babe, I can't feel my left side. I can't feel my leg. What's wrong with me?"

The next 15 minutes was one of those "slow motion" moments where you try to keep you head screwed on properly as your life is suddenly careening out of control.

I called Tele-Health on the phone and described the situation, the nurse asked to talk to Pace for a couple of minutes. Pace hung up the phone and said an ambulance was coming.

Within five minutes of that call there were paramedics at the door. I asked France to take the wee one to her room so she didn't get traumatized by the paramedics working on Pace. It was also to keep her out from underfoot of the emergency crew. She's as curious as me.

They checked Pace out from head to toe and then the male paramedic took Pace's hands, held them out in front of her at shoulder height and told Pace to keep them there. Her right arm stayed put. The left arm drifted off to the side and back down till it was motionless beside her body. My brain was screaming "No! NO! NOOOO!!

My heart jumped into my mouth. I was really scared. We'd just been talking about how good it was to be having a new start and a new place. This is not a good example of a new start.

"No," I thought. "This can't be happening. There's no way I can manage getting Pace up and down the stairs, into the bath tub and all the other things if she's paralyzed."

My head was spinning. Then I started thinking about raising the wee one with Pace immobilized. Sure we'd manage, but...

The paramedics had her off to the hospital within minutes of that test. Pace couldn't walk properly, her gait was off and it was as though her left side couldn't support her. The paramedics half walked, half carried her to the ambulance.

"Oh God please don't let her be paralyzed." I prayed and set off in our car chasing the ambulance downtown.

When I caught up to them again at our "Jewish General" Pace was conscious but not mentally present. Turns out she'd had another episode in the ambulance. I stayed by her side and did my best to keep our minds on something else. She started to get back the feeling in her arms and legs.

Pace was admitted to emergency, given a CAT scan of the head and a cardiology test. Both came back clean. No brain damage. Thank God!

The doctor was ready to dismiss it as a "neurological event" and send us home. I told him about the paramedic's test, he paused and announced that he'd order some tests through the ambulatory clinic and sent us on our way.

Pace walked out of the hospital about 5 hours after it all began and and we drove home. It was surreal and hard to process.