Pace remains in a lot of pain, from where they cut muscles, the loss of strength and sensation in the arm where thy had to cut nerves and the armpit where they removed her lymph nodes.
According to a University of Rochester study, up to half of all women who undergo a lumpectomy or mastectomy feel pain weeks or months later near the breast, adjacent armpit and upper arm on the same side. It is often described as burning, throbbing and, or, a sharp pain. Yeah, great...
Most pain stems from damage to the intercostal brachial nerve, which runs under the arm and rib cage. But many other triggers exist as well: scarring, post-operative radiation therapy, some chemotherapy drugs, and the unusual sensations often associated with phantom pain.
The doctor recommends drugss and counseling.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Radiotherapy Starts Today
Pace starts 5 weeks of radiotherapy today. She has to go to the hospital for treatment on weekdays at 2:15pm, weekends are off. Any positive energy you would send her way around that time is always welcome and appreciated.
The purpose of the radiotherapy is to kill any cancer cells that may have gotten into her lymphatic system (<-this is a really cool medical site). While the doctors are sure they got all the cancer, this is recommended for women afflicted by the type of cancer Pace had.
This is the last leg of the cancer triathlon, (chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy) once she recovers from this cure then we'll start to create the routine and lifestyle of whatever our new normal will be.
The purpose of the radiotherapy is to kill any cancer cells that may have gotten into her lymphatic system (<-this is a really cool medical site). While the doctors are sure they got all the cancer, this is recommended for women afflicted by the type of cancer Pace had.
This is the last leg of the cancer triathlon, (chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy) once she recovers from this cure then we'll start to create the routine and lifestyle of whatever our new normal will be.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Going off the grid, getting some R & R
For two days I went off the grid; no cell phone, no computer, no bank card. 
Don had invited me up to Black Rock for a boy's weekend. On the Saturday afternoon he said I looked the most relaxed he'd seen me in months.
We had an amazing walk in the woods in the afternoon, a spectacular sunset, a great feast for dinner and then an evening bonfire all the while listening to echoes across the lake of the different bands and singers playing a major party at Ronnie Hawkins place.
It's a beautiful place where on the barren granite of the canadian shield the lichen grows deep and the white pines have 
shattered the rock to secure their roots. It's a great metaphor for the perserverance required in living through this difficult time.
Last year the northern lights raced across the sky. This year we were treated to the Milky Way.
Just what the doctor ordered.
Don had invited me up to Black Rock for a boy's weekend. On the Saturday afternoon he said I looked the most relaxed he'd seen me in months.
We had an amazing walk in the woods in the afternoon, a spectacular sunset, a great feast for dinner and then an evening bonfire all the while listening to echoes across the lake of the different bands and singers playing a major party at Ronnie Hawkins place.
It's a beautiful place where on the barren granite of the canadian shield the lichen grows deep and the white pines have 
shattered the rock to secure their roots. It's a great metaphor for the perserverance required in living through this difficult time.Last year the northern lights raced across the sky. This year we were treated to the Milky Way.
Just what the doctor ordered.
Family Reunion Slips to January 2007
Pretty much the first thing Pace told me today that she's not coming home with Vianne till January. Pace said that she will still be too tired from her radiotherapy to take care of herself, the house and the wee one.
I know that the radiotherapy is no picnic but I'm frustrated with the nurses and doctors that keep telling her how horrible everything will be. The power of suggestion is a serious force in setting good or bad expectations. You think they'd know that.
I know that the radiotherapy is no picnic but I'm frustrated with the nurses and doctors that keep telling her how horrible everything will be. The power of suggestion is a serious force in setting good or bad expectations. You think they'd know that.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Daddy-o it's cool!
Pace called me to say the wee one wanted to see me on the computer. This is the first time in a while since we've had a video call. First we get picture but no sound. By the time it working and we're all on the cam, her attention is on drawing a new picture.Rule number one about video phones and web cams is that you should treat it like you're shooting live action on film. Make sure that you have everything prepared before you get the talent on the set and roll the cameras.
She's like any other kid, totally impatient with how long it takes some people to to get things done. Well that sounds like me too. Like the last time I was at the grocery store and the lady immediately in front of me in line pulls out 20 coupons at the check out...
When we finally get the web cam going well we start talking around the logistics of the wee one coming "home" with me for a couple of weeks. Pace tells me that for weeks she's been saying "I'm packing my bags cause I'm going with Popa on the Choo-Choo."
This is such a good thing that's come together. The difference in the availability of daycare Quebec and Ontario is like night and day. There's plenty of places in Oka and Montreal where I could drop her off for the day. In Toronto its either who you know or do you have $3,000 per month for emergency day care.
We are blessed with good friends. Linda has facilitated a temporary arrangment with her nanny and babbysitter to put together an amazing program for Vianne for the next two weeks. It is going to be so cool, for the wee one and for me.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
What it's all about in a song
This was a song that was a little hard to avoid early in 2006. It brings up some of the feelings that you go through and the inspiration that I'd like to take away from this experience.
Live Like You Were Dying
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how’s it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what’d you do
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn’t
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn’t such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I’d do if I could do it all again
and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuMunchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
Like tomorrow was a gift
and you got eternity to think about
what’d you do with it
what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?
Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
Copyright Tim McGraw lyrics and music
Live Like You Were Dying
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how’s it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what’d you do
and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn’t
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn’t such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I’d do if I could do it all again
and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuMunchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I’d been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
Like tomorrow was a gift
and you got eternity to think about
what’d you do with it
what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?
Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
Copyright Tim McGraw lyrics and music
Monday, September 18, 2006
Gotta tune out the tube
Dealing with the day to day stresses of fighting cancer is stressful enough. While I admit to being a news addict a steady diet of reports of violence does little for improving a mood.
Monday, was the 5th aniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and it seemed to be the only available programming in the 400 channel universe.
Tuesday, 3 people found stabbed to death at the Chelsea Hotel
I have to stop reading the papers and listening to the news. Even if it important in my business to be current, compounded with the cancer concerns I finding it's too much negative information; the displays of anger and visions of anguish are simply disturbing and depressing.
Monday, was the 5th aniversary of the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and it seemed to be the only available programming in the 400 channel universe.
- How many times do we have to watch 65 people die and seal the fate of 600 others as United 175 crashes into the south tower?
Tuesday, 3 people found stabbed to death at the Chelsea Hotel
- Endless tales of violence and a "veritable bloodbath"
Wednesday, Kimveer Gill shoots 20 and kills one at Dawson College
- All day gut wrenching reports that rip open the emotional scars of the December 6, 1989. I'd moved into my apartment in Monreal Nov. 1st 1989. The Ecole Polytechnique shootings traumatised the city till Christmas.
Thursday, My workplace changes as half of the company is sold
- No idea how my job will be affected
- History teaches us that extremists of any ideology are dangerous.
I have to stop reading the papers and listening to the news. Even if it important in my business to be current, compounded with the cancer concerns I finding it's too much negative information; the displays of anger and visions of anguish are simply disturbing and depressing.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Plastic surgeon update
Pace saw the plastic surgeon for a check on her healing.
He's happy, the surgical cuts are healing well and scaring is less than he thought it would be. She's not getting any excessive lymph fluid build-ups. She has some on her left side but he is confident that it will be reabsorbed by Pace's body.
He also told her it is going to take about 3 months before Pace is over the pain of the surgery and for her breasts to start ot feel normal, or maybe she'll aclimatize is what he's really saying.
He's confident that she'll make it through the radiotherapy without incident.
Maybe it's the nature of plastic surgery, this guy as one of the best bedside manners we've encountered at the doctor level in the health system.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Not exactly a fluff quiz
Today I learned about a test that could make a difference in your life or, guys, the life of your lady. It's not one of the online fluff quizes exemplified by "Angelina or Jennifer? See which starlet you're more like!"
The dark, mysterious, homewrecking Academy Award-winning American actress, a former fashion model, and a Goodwill Ambassador for the UN Refugee Agency who also played Laura Crawford, Tomb Raider
or
The blonde. all american, #88 on the
Somewhere someone's planning a cage match...
However, ladies this test could make a difference in your life. It's called the Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool and while it was designed for use by health professionals. If you are not a health professional, you are encouraged to discuss the results and your personal risk of breast cancer with your doctor.
It's an interactive tool designed by scientists at the National Cancer Institute (NCI) and the National Surgical Adjuvant Breast and Bowel Project (NSABP) to estimate a woman's risk of developing invasive breast cancer. This is the same organization that is conducting the Abraxane clinical trial that Pace is a part of.
Preliminary results indicate the tool has been used with successful for women with strong family histories of breast cancer. However, women carrying the breast cancer-producing mutations in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes obviously should get more testing. It's also not ment for women who have already had a diagnosis of breast cancer, or ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS).
To take the test follow this link: Breast Cancer Risk Assessment Tool
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Friday's I've got far to go, Toronto, Montreal, Paris
I knew it was going to be a crazy day the minute I saw the alarm clock. I'd slept-in, again. I'm out the door in 10 minutes, commute to work, crank out till 1:30, commute to home, pack and go, Usually I take the bus and subway to train, this time a cab, traffic jam, arrive Union Station 3:04, Train 64 leaves at 3:10, arrive Montreal, commute à la maison, eat, bedtime story and lights out for the wee one.
Right now her favorite book is by an American Immigrant Belgian Cowboy with a German sounding name and French as a first language: he was quite the character that Ludwig Bemelmans.
Right now her favorite book is by an American Immigrant Belgian Cowboy with a German sounding name and French as a first language: he was quite the character that Ludwig Bemelmans.
The Wee One and I read a book together; I start and she rhymes;
“In an old house in Paris all covered in …” 
“Wines” (It makes me chuckle every time)
“Lived 12 little girls in two straight
“Lines”
“1n two straight"
" lines dey bwoke dere bwead and when do bed””
“don’t they brush their…”
“teet”
“That’s right“
“They left the house at half past nine in two straight
“lines”
“in rain or….. or….
“shine?”
“Yes shine, the smallest one was”
“Madelène!”
Given the wee ones level headedness to all of the upheaval in her life over the last two years I’m both surprised and chagrined that she has the following section almost down pat.
“In the middle of one night, Miss” I start.
“Clavel turned her light, Something is not right!"” The wee one jumps in to finish.
About 20 minutes later she’s asleep and sometimes so am I.
It’s no wonder Pace and I sometimes don’t seem to see one another very much on the weekend.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Another Day of Nursing, Child rearing and Travel
Train 67 rolls towards Toronto once again and I find little inspiration in the lead grey remnants of Hurricane Ernesto that somber the sky and pour down the rain. It’s been a bit of a gloomy day.
Pace had one of her intestinal attacks as she got up this morning. It was one of the bad ones; she was drifting in and out of consciousness and feeling quite unwell. Once the main part of the episode was over, I striped her and bathed her. That’s when I got a quick look at the scars from the operation. I did not examine her chest because she’s not chosen to show me yet and I did not want her to feel any more stress. She went back to bed and slept till one in the afternoon.
The wee one and I painted, then alternated between watching Clifford and looking outside to see if the rain had stopped, wich it didn't. Eventually had a nap together before I had to get to the train station. Pace stayed in bed and I implored her to rest and heal, this is no time to be superwoman. As I left, we both had watery eyes, the time we have together is always too short. ‘I love you, I miss you, I’ll see you soon.’
The wee one wailed as I got on the train today. “Je veux aller en train avec Papa! Je veux aller ‘home!’’
“La maison” is Oka, Toronto is “home.”
People on the train flash me a slightly concerned look or sigh sympathetically.
Pace told me the wee one is really starting to miss me during the week. She’s telling her grandmere that Papa is coming home tonight. And that is on a Tuesday. This separation of the family is hard on all of us and while the wee one understands a lot of what is going on around her I can’t expect her to understand everything.
The woman I used to count on for child care told me last week she is no longer going to be babysitting. That is unless it is close to her home and not for more than an evening. Oh well, all good things come to an end sometime. I’ve got to find some time this week to look into sharing a nanny or finding day care. I’ll need to be a single Papa at least once again before Pace comes home in December.
Pace had one of her intestinal attacks as she got up this morning. It was one of the bad ones; she was drifting in and out of consciousness and feeling quite unwell. Once the main part of the episode was over, I striped her and bathed her. That’s when I got a quick look at the scars from the operation. I did not examine her chest because she’s not chosen to show me yet and I did not want her to feel any more stress. She went back to bed and slept till one in the afternoon.
The wee one and I painted, then alternated between watching Clifford and looking outside to see if the rain had stopped, wich it didn't. Eventually had a nap together before I had to get to the train station. Pace stayed in bed and I implored her to rest and heal, this is no time to be superwoman. As I left, we both had watery eyes, the time we have together is always too short. ‘I love you, I miss you, I’ll see you soon.’
The wee one wailed as I got on the train today. “Je veux aller en train avec Papa! Je veux aller ‘home!’’
“La maison” is Oka, Toronto is “home.”
People on the train flash me a slightly concerned look or sigh sympathetically.
Pace told me the wee one is really starting to miss me during the week. She’s telling her grandmere that Papa is coming home tonight. And that is on a Tuesday. This separation of the family is hard on all of us and while the wee one understands a lot of what is going on around her I can’t expect her to understand everything.
The woman I used to count on for child care told me last week she is no longer going to be babysitting. That is unless it is close to her home and not for more than an evening. Oh well, all good things come to an end sometime. I’ve got to find some time this week to look into sharing a nanny or finding day care. I’ll need to be a single Papa at least once again before Pace comes home in December.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Saturday in the Country
The wee one was up at 7:30 am today. I should feel blessed knowing my sister Maggie’s kids are up at 6:30 but I still felt like I was wading through Jell-O® until I got two mugs of Joe into the blood system.
Once we took care of Pace, the wee one and I went out for a major walk to the swings and slides. Well I walked, most often with the wee one hung onto my legs until I put her up on my shoulders. Pace got a good sleep in the morning and then again when I put down the wee one in the afternoon.
Later in the afternoon all three of us went for a walk over to Hugette’s farm. Well Pace and I walked; the wee one admired the view from about 5 feet above the street. We ate prunes and apples fresh from the tree as well as raspberries, ground cherries and grapes fresh off the vine.
I did not count on having to carry both the wee one and the three bags of fruit that we bought back to the house. It must have been a funny sight because everyone that drove by stared at us as if we were aliens; me with three full plastic bags hanging alongside my hips from my belt, the wee one on my shoulders waving and screaming hello at the cars, and Pace with her peach fuzz hair, alabaster skin fashionable Capris and sandals walking alongside.
Pace said that was the first time that she had been for a walk since the operation. When we got back she went back to bed, Vianne watched “Buzz Buzz Buzz!” and your’s truly cooked up a pasta primavera with tomatoes, zucchini and scallions fresh from the garden and then I finished off with raspberries and ice cream for desert. Harvest is such a great time of the year.
This evening Pace gave Vianne a Bull’s-eye replica from Toy Story 2. The wee one was overjoyed. She ran around the house with Bull’s-Eye flying through the air beside her like a jet propelled horse. Then to our amusement she put him on the floor and pretended she was riding him. We all laughed and reveled in the moment.
Once we took care of Pace, the wee one and I went out for a major walk to the swings and slides. Well I walked, most often with the wee one hung onto my legs until I put her up on my shoulders. Pace got a good sleep in the morning and then again when I put down the wee one in the afternoon.
Later in the afternoon all three of us went for a walk over to Hugette’s farm. Well Pace and I walked; the wee one admired the view from about 5 feet above the street. We ate prunes and apples fresh from the tree as well as raspberries, ground cherries and grapes fresh off the vine.
I did not count on having to carry both the wee one and the three bags of fruit that we bought back to the house. It must have been a funny sight because everyone that drove by stared at us as if we were aliens; me with three full plastic bags hanging alongside my hips from my belt, the wee one on my shoulders waving and screaming hello at the cars, and Pace with her peach fuzz hair, alabaster skin fashionable Capris and sandals walking alongside.
Pace said that was the first time that she had been for a walk since the operation. When we got back she went back to bed, Vianne watched “Buzz Buzz Buzz!” and your’s truly cooked up a pasta primavera with tomatoes, zucchini and scallions fresh from the garden and then I finished off with raspberries and ice cream for desert. Harvest is such a great time of the year.
This evening Pace gave Vianne a Bull’s-eye replica from Toy Story 2. The wee one was overjoyed. She ran around the house with Bull’s-Eye flying through the air beside her like a jet propelled horse. Then to our amusement she put him on the floor and pretended she was riding him. We all laughed and reveled in the moment.
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