So the diagnosis is....

Three abdominal pain episodes later, Pace finally went to the clinic on Monday. Three doctors look at her and decide she's having an appendicitis attack. So Pace calls me and I end up taking her to emergency.

It's not like I am living Zen moments and this is an isolated stressor. I'm in a five day countdown to the launch of a major IT initiative at work, I've got pending communications to get out and 50 people to get through training in 3 days. Then there's the mortgage negotiations...

Just to make life more interesting, Pace still does not have a Quebec Medicare card. It's been 9 months since the process started. While Pace could have been more proactive it is a case of Bureaucrats gone wild!

I have to leave Pace at the hospital and luckily the Godmother came over to baby-sit the wee one. The docs rule out a bladder infection but are stumped about the pains and decide to keep her overnight. A day later they are still puzzled so they discharge her!


So I call the Doctor back and ask him what I should tell the wee one to do if her Maman collapses from pain in the middle of the grocery store. He made an appointment for Pace to see an internalist. So while we do not have a diagnosis, the process continues just because of the sales philosophy if you don't ask for the sale you probably won't get it.

... and if it's not that, call your oncologist

Pace has been getting gut pains recently. Not the IBS that she's suffered from since I've known her. Something different in the lower right abdomen; "I have to go lie down pain." That's how bad it is.

So she goes to our local health center who says... it’s probably not appendicitis but I recommend you get a test done for a urinary tract infection, and if it's not that, call your oncologist.

Few things set me off quite like the catch all diagnoses, that usually conclude with "cancer could be the answer" thrown in for good measure and malpractice insurance. I'd rather not borrow trouble, thanks all the same.

Unreasonable fear of the unexpected...

Late this morning my cell phone started beeping at me that I had a message. I checked the call log and saw that it was my parents had called. Then as I get back to my desk there is a message on my voice mail, from an outside caller, from my parent’s number. I get worried by multiple pings.

My parents haven't called me at work for years unless it was serious. Given the pressure of my project at the moment I was bit apprehensive. Then again my parents’ calling me at work was always welcome but occasionally awkward.

At my first real software job after university Joanie our receptionist at QW Page would call over the intercom "Bob... It's your mother, line one!" The only thing that made that less embarrassing was when Joanie would announce. Peter Ross it's your therapist, line two... Thank God we're too conservative at my company for those kind of antics.

I know why I fear the worst. After all Pace, the wee one and I have been through I can rationalize my justifications. My head swims when my parents call me at work. It shouldn't, but it does.

As it turns out my parents were eating lunch and across the street and eight stories down there were some big CAT machines working on the road opposite their condo. Of the many machines Mom only knew the backhoe by name but it made me smile. Before she said goodbye she said "We miss you Bob."

I miss you too Mom and Dad.

Riding for cancer

So here is something to look forward to. My friend Brian has been training for a ride to raise finds for cancer research. Considering the most exercise Brian and partake in is raising beers, this is a good thing.

He committed to getting in shape to complete this 200km ride. I really nver thought I'd hear aabout him going out cycling in -4C in February. Hey try it in -25 ya Ontario wuss.

I gotta praise his attitude. Brian says "I encourage you to donate now and not to wait. Your donation goes directly and immediately to the Princess Margaret, so sooner truly is better. Don’t worry, I’ll be doing the ride, and you get the added benefit of being able to harass me about how hard I’m training and whether you’re getting your money’s worth out of me."

He has a fundraising goal to $10,000. Brian is a guy who makes a difference.

Click here to visit Brian Bourne's personal page at the weblink below. If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:http://www.conquercancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?px=1510118&pg=personal&fr_id=1201&et=PQwCI9uqElDwaSRKyV1DkQ..&s_tafId=108982

Celebrating 65 Years of Life

France will always be remembered by the people that knew her as a woman of love, strength and conviction.

Pace is understandably upset over her mothers death. France had beaten breast cancer for 7 years and it came back with a vengence. It's a scary thing.

France, we know that you are an angel riding along in Charlemans Wagon. God bless us all

"I Run for Life"

So I am listening to the radio today and this song , "I Run for Life" by Melissa Etheridge comes on. I've heard about it but never hunted it down. And while it great song, the poignancy of it's lyrics and a melody in the key of E force open the emotions and the memories. The only thing that this reminds me of is smelling a dentist's office and the sound of the drill...


"I Run for Life"

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Every day that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast,
If you ask her why she is still running,
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin
And they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul

And now I'm still learning a lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for her soul

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run life

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her, remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers, running for more

I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for hope, I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your daughter, your wife
For you and me my friend
I run for life

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

Pace's Mom's Cancer prognosis and dealing with the emotional reprecussions

On Monday the 17th of September, the doctors told France that she has secondary bone and liver cancer.

It means that the cancer is not originating in the bone or the liver cells but is cancer that has spread from another part of her body. The doctors determined that she's had relapse and that cancer cells that have spread to her liver and that are growing on her bones are the same pathology as her breast cancer from 7 years ago.

Pace and I, and most obviously France and "the Rock" are most definitely going through the spectrum of emotions that come with catastrophic news; denial, anger, bargaining, depression; all with the hope of coming to acceptance.

As we battled Breast cancer with Pace I discovered the he trick is to know that you're going to go through a rage of negative feelings and keeping them in perspective is paramount to functioning normally. Emotional pain is a tough one especially if you can not forgive yourself or others. I try to understand why I feel a certain way, and if the emotional pain is due to any of my unresolved or unprocessed issues.

Still it feels like from out of the blue, we're into the fire.The doctors are mobilizing but the speed of the health system always seems glacial.The family is rallying as well. France we're here to fight this with you.

6 weeks of normal is over

As you surmised from the previous post, we've picked ourselves up and reinvented ourselves in West Montreal. However, some things can not be bought or traded for, like a normal life.

Pace gave me the news of her mom France's biopsy results today.

The stains on her bones are breast cancer cells that have metastasised into the skeleton, eating the bone weakening the vertebra. The pelvic girdle is covered up to her ribcage, portions of her skull have been attacked and her right femur is covered as well.

The cells are stage 4; there is no stage five. I knew things were not good when the doctors delicately talk about long term, prospects but stepped around the issue of short term chances of survival. They talked about painkillers: Dilodyl, morphine patches, Tylenol and oh yeah you might want to consider palliative care for managing her pain. The palliative care comment drove the point home.

Pace went out and spent 80$ on a shopping therapy session. Even if she wanted to see a family therapist the waiting list is over a year long. Vianne played with the neighbours and Pace went to spend the day with her mother.

getting good news and building a new nest

During Pace's latest trip to the doctor he told her to stop worrying. They got the cancer out of her and that she should focus on raising a daughter and loving her husband. Yeah Pace, pour some sugar on me baby.

Pace is getting aquainted to the new neighborhood and decorating our new home. I love my new job. A big portion of it is change management. It makes me laugh case change really doesn't phase me like it used to.

Canada's two tiered health system

Some Ontario hospitals Cancer are charging patients from $16,000 to $24,000 for a treatment of Abraxane in order to gain access to that and other new and effective cancer drugs that their oncologists recommend. Health Canada has approved these drugs but the provincial governments have not to avoid having to fund treatment. Many are currently under review in Ontario.

One of these drugs is Abraxane, that's the trial drug Pace received that shrunk her tumour from the size of a peach to the size of a pea. It was formerly used only to treat breast cancer in metastasis. It's now been found effective for local cancer as well. A course of treatment easily ranges into the tens of thousands of dollars. It is sometimes funded by hospitals but it is really a case-by-case basis.

In a country that professes standards of healthcare and access of healthcare for all, it is scary that the best drugs are available to those with generous insurance plans or people with the financial assets to drop tens of thousands on drugs and health care.

The only other option is to be a test subject, hope dodge the bullet of a rogue effect and see if the new drug is really that effective.

What they did in the Bone Biopsy

Today France went to the hospital for a bone biopsy to help determine why she's been having bone pain, and to understand what the "dark spots" that showed up in the MRI scans are.

"They took two bone samples from her They basically use a drill like device and extracted samples 1.0 and a 1 .7 cm long and 0.1 cm in diameter. These are being sent to pathology to determine what is going on.

Pace, the wee one and France went out to dinner afterward and France said that it really didn't hurt that much.

Pace's Mom France

France hasn't been feeling well.

She's been tired and lathargic. Then she was having problems breathing again. So off she went to the hospital. Yes, it was congestive heart failure again. Her lungs were pretty full with liquid. They drained her out and when she complained about the back pains she's been having the doctors decided to do an MRI too.

They said that her bones were "stained" and scheduled her to come in for a bone biopsy. I'm concerned but given the choice I'm praying for osteoporosis rather than another round of cancer.

Charlemans Wagon

Pace brought this story to my attention. It's by a man in Norway who'se partner faced Breast Cancer. It's well written.

Read it at World Conference on Breast Cancer Foundation (WCBCF) website. Then the accompanying picture of the big dipper will make sense. For me I've seen that constellation in a new way ever since.

It is by author and journalist JON MAGNUS of Norway (Email: jon.magnus@vg.no)

Design 4 a Difference

This was an incredible evening.

George Brown College has a certificate in Sports Marketing and Event Planning; the first half of the course is theory and the second half requires organizing an event.


One of these students, Lisa Stuve, organized the event called Design 4 a Difference. I mentioned it in an earlier blog entry.


My folks, friends Jim and Louise as well as a couple of older staff came out. So that made us not quite the oldest people there.

Pascale's tee-shirt sold for $60.00. Only one sold for more at $75.00.

Kudos to Lisa, Jean Ledoux and Pace.